QUIPP MARTIN's Fugitive Episode SNIDE First season episodes: 1. Fear in a Desert City - In the pilot episode, an innocent man (a doctor who is wanted for a crime he didn't commit) takes a dinky room in a faceless town; gets a lousy job; becomes involved with a pretty woman and a troubled youth; and is threatened by her jealous lover and the local police while a fanatic detective trails him around the country. In fact, there's no need to read any further because, with minor variations, the same damn thing happens in virtually every episode. 2. The Witch - While hiding in the woods, Kimble rescues two abandoned German children from an abusive woman living in a gingerbread house. 3. The Other Side of the Mountain - Kimble is hired to care for the children of an aloof widowed navy captain runs his home in the mountains of Montana exactly like the ship he once commanded. After romping through the hills with the kids and teaching them several cheesy Rodgers and Hammerstein songs, Kimble not only solves their personal problems but helps them to find joy in the smallest things -- like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, etc. Their father, realizing the error of his ways, warms up to his family. But when the local neo-Nazi militia tries to forcibly recruit the old man, Kimble and the family must flee across the border to the safety of Idaho with the help of some kindly nuns. 4. Never Wave Goodbye, part 1 - Hoping to find Fred Johnson, the One-Armed Man he thinks killed his wife, Kimble visits the Los Angeles county jail but is spotted by a waiting Gerard who chases him through the streets of L.A. Fortunately, Kimble escapes by bus when Gerard keels over in the middle of the freeway from smog inhalation and then is run over and shot several times by angry motorists for blocking the lane with his unconscious body. 5. Never Wave Goodbye, part 2 - Gerard is embarrassed to discover that his latest pursuit of Kimble has landed him on Fox's "World's Wildest Police Videos." 6. Decision in the Ring - Meanwhile, a horrified Kimble sees a Claymation image of himself square off against Fatty Arbuckle on Court TV's "Celebrity Victims of Blind Justice Death Match." 7. Smoke Screen - Working as a file clerk in a tobacco company, Kimble (alias Walter Raleigh) discovers documented evidence that the industry is trying to hook young children on nicotine. Can he alert the FDA without giving himself away? Yes, he can -- with the help of a gorgeous, husky-voiced throat cancer victim. 8. See Hollywood and Die - In a ritzy section of L.A., a homeless Kimble takes shelter in the back of a famous ex-football player's white Ford Bronco. Later that night, Kimble awakens and witnesses a brutal double murder... 9. Ticket to Alaska - Kimble (alias William Seward) rubs noses with a fabulous female Eskimo who hides him in her igloo. But Gerard has commandeered a snowmobile and tracks him through a blizzard. A St. Bernard with a brandy flask, whom Kimble had rescued earlier, figures prominently in our hero's last-minute escape. 10. Fatso - In an effort to throw Gerard off his trail, Kimble gains ninety pounds. However, this interferes with his uncanny ability to pick up a foxy babe in every town he visits, so he slims back down. Special guest star: Richard Simmons. 11. Nightmare At Northoak - While passing through a small town, Kimble heroically rescues a bus full of schoolchildren from a near-fatal traffic accident and returns them home safely. But it turns out the kids are all chronic juvenile delinquents who were being kicked out of town so a posse of angry rednecks beats the crap out of him. 12. Glass Tightrope - In order to smoke out the one-armed man, Kimble poses as a woman in an Internet chat room devoted to amputee fetishes. 13. Terror at High Point - In New York City, anal-retentive Kimble reluctantly shares an apartment with sloppy sportswriter Oscar Madison (Jack Klugman). 14. The Girl From Little Egypt - Kimble flashes back to the night of his wife's murder. Seems the Kimbles had argued over whether Mrs. K should get breast implants ("Richard, I just can't live a lie!"). 15. Home Is The Hunted - Kimble thinks he's safe when he hides out in a deserted Victorian house -- only to wake up next morning and find that Bob Vila and a camera crew have got him surrounded. 16. Garden House - After accidentally falling face first into some poison ivy, Kimble's head grows so horribly swollen that even Gerard fails to recognize him. 17. Come Watch Me Die - Retired pathologist Jack Kervorkian escapes from prison and pesters Kimble for a chance to relieve his suffering. 18. Where the Action Is - Kimble exposes himself in more ways than one when he takes a job as a stripper in a gay men's club frequented by one of Gerard's former boyfriends. 19. Search In a Windy City - Talk show host Oprah Winfrey believes Kimble is innocent and asks viewers to help find the elusive One-Armed Man. But her producers pressure her into getting Kimble arrested on-air in order to increase ratings. The Chicago police lay a trap for Kimble (who is working as a trash collector under the name Jerry Springer). But, at the last minute, Oprah has a change of heart and screens her film "Beloved" for the cops. This renders them unconscious long enough for Kimble to make a clean getaway. 20. Bloodline - In need of money, Kimble pretends to be a developmentally disabled adult in order to get a job sacking groceries in a supermarket. But when an overconfident hemophiliac customer refuses to ask for "plastic" and accidentally gets a paper cut on one of the bags, Kimble is forced to reveal himself, saving the customer's life by performing a complicated medical procedure involving an orange peeler, a bag of ice, and a copy of the World Weekly News. Kimble barely escapes the store's suspicious security guard with the help of a cute cashier while the hemophiliac learns a valuable lesson in the dangers of hubris. 21. Rat In a Corner - While passing through Hamelin, MO, Kimble helps rid the town of a massive rodent infestation. But when the town repays him by calling the cops on him, Kimble escapes into the countryside with the townspeople's children, all of whom think he's really cool. 22. Angels Travel on Lonely Roads-part 1 - Satan himself guarantees to clear Kimble of murder charges in exchange for his mortal soul. Guest star: Jon Lovitz. 23. Angels Travel on Lonely Roads-part 2 - F. Lee Bailey assembles an expensive legal team in a courtroom battle to win back Kimble's soul. Guest stars: Della Reese, F. Lee Bailey, and that Johnnie Cochran look-alike guy. 24. Flight From the Final Demon - With Gerard closing in on him, Kimble joins a small religious group that offers him transportation out of the area. Too late, he learns it's a UFO cult and their transportation -- a flying saucer -- isn't likely to show up... 25. Taps For a Dead War - Kimble's peace movement past comes back to haunt him when he fails to recognize an old hippie friend who has shaved off all his hair, joined the NRA, and gotten a job on the police force. 26. Somebody to Remember - During a Civil War re-enactment in Maryland, Kimble makes the mistake of treating an actor's broken leg. But the actor turns out to be portraying John Wilkes Booth and Kimble -- mistaken for the actor portraying Dr. Samuel A. Mudd -- is immediately arrested, falsely accused of conspiracy to kill the president, and unjustly sentenced to life in prison. Fortunately, before Gerard can show up to extradite him, Kimble's sentence is commuted by the actor portraying President Johnson. 27. Never Stop Running - With the Boston police closing in on him, Kimble strips to his shorts and blends in with several thousand competitors in the city's annual marathon. But when a beautiful female runner develops a psychosomatic charley horse, Kimble risks his life to help her gain self-worth and win the race. 28. The Homecoming - Kimble risks appearing at his high school reunion in Stafford, Indiana and everyone teases him for having all that dye in his hair. In ten minutes flat, he solves the long-standing problems of a couple of classmates before ducking out the back door. Unfortunately, a policeman recognizes him when he forgets to take off his "Hi, my name is Richard Kimble" nametag. 29. Storm Center - One afternoon, off the coast of southern California, Kimble gets a job as a deck hand on a sight-seeing boat called the Minnow, skippered by an overweight man and his skinny, incompetent first mate. Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. The weather starts getting rough, the tiny ship is tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless Kimble, the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost. The ship sets down on the shore of this uncharted desert isle where Kimble faces his usual dilemma: help the castaways (who might otherwise be there for a long, long time) or save his own skin. When Gerard shows up to question the castaways, they naturally try to protect the man who saved their lives. Of course, Gerard sneeringly turns up his nose at their offers of money (from the millionaire) and sex (the movie star). Kimble escapes at the last minute with the help of a wholesome young girl named Mary Ann who is sweet on him and a professor who makes a jet ski out of coconuts. 30. The End Game - While working as a waiter at an IHOP in Florida, a customer gives Kimble an unusual tip: a lottery ticket. Naturally, when he wins the 90 million dollar jackpot, he can't collect. So, after rescuing some orphans from a burning building, he turns the ticket over to a friendly priest to build a new orphanage. But then the customer wants his ticket back. So, Kimble takes a part-time job as a dishwasher at Hee's Chinese restaurant and works until he can pay back the entire 90 million dollars... Second season episodes: 31. Man In A Chariot - Kimble (alias Bob Kane) gets a job at an auto show: dressing up as Batman and posing with the Batmobile so the yokels can take pictures. He rather likes the job since no one's likely to recognize an escaped convict who wears a cowl all day. Unfortunately, a psychotic ex-Batman, who was fired for his bad acting, resents Kimble and plans to unmask him to the police. Guest star: Adam West. 32. World's End - Kimble gets a job shoveling snow at the South Pole but is forced to use his medical skills when the only doctor on the entire continent comes down with breast cancer... 33. Man On A String - Kimble works as an assistant trainer for a troubled world class athlete in the latest "extreme" sport: a combination of bungee jumping and freestyle yo-yo competition. 34. When The Bough Breaks - In Kansas, Kimble reluctantly reveals his medical expertise when an impotent World War II veteran insists on taking Viagra. Guest star: Bob Dole. 35. Nemesis - Gerard's son helps Kimble escape. When a puzzled Kimble asks him why he would help his father's enemy, the kid responds with a poignant monologue: "Look, Doc, you know better than most people that my old man's a hard-ass. Hell, I don't want him to catch you. Every time he leaves home and runs around the country chasing after you, I can invite my friends over, hire a couple of hookers, and drop acid till we puke. You've changed my life, man. You're the best thing that ever happened to me." So, as usual, Kimble faces a dilemma: should he encourage respect for one's parents (as well as laws against prostitution and drug use) or just leave well enough alone? With Gerard closing in on him, Kimble gives the kid a spanking he'll never forget, then leaves a lengthy note for Gerard outlining his son's immoral behavior. And so, another life changed for the better, Kimble rides off into the sunset on a graffiti-covered Greyhound bus. 36. Tiger Left, Tiger Right - While caddying for golfer Tiger Woods in the Deep South, Kimble (alias David Duke) tries to save his employer from lynching by racist skinheads by pretending that Tiger is _his_ caddy. All goes well until Kimble is challenged to play nine holes with a local Klan Wizard -- it turns out that Kimble was such a dedicated doctor in Indiana that he never found time to learn how to play golf... 37. Tug of War - While fleeing the Coast Guard, Kimble must convince tiny Tootle the Tugboat that being a tugboat is just as important as being one of the bigger boats in the harbor. 38. Dark Corner - A visually-impaired sculptress and her boyfriend, a hearing-impaired musician, plot to capture Kimble. But a mute telephone operator overhears this and warns Kimble who tries to escape with the help of the wheelchair-bound ballerina who loves him. Alas, her jealous husband -- a paraplegic, multiple-amputee cop with a harelip -- intervenes. 39. Escape Into Black - At a greasy spoon, Kimble suffers a concussion. When he awakens hours later in the hospital, he believes he is the famous detective Philip Gerard and sets out to capture that notorious fugitive Richard Kimble. He wanders away from the hospital, learns that Kimble recently suffered a concussion at a greasy spoon, and returns to the hospital only to find that Kimble has wandered away! Fortunately, a sympathetic social worker straightens him out before he gets on the train to Stafford, Indiana to pick up his paycheck at police headquarters. 40. The Cage - In a culturally-backward small town, Kimble introduces a lonely girl to the joys of avant-garde music by John Cage. Naturally, the townspeople attempt to lynch him... 41. Cry Uncle - The much-loved annual Christmas show. Gerard, visiting relatives in New York City, reluctantly takes his obnoxious nephew to Macy's to see Santa Claus -- little realizing that the man behind the beard is none other than Richard Kimble! (Seems that Kimble was walking down 34th Street looking for a job when the regular Santa got drunk just before the big Thanksgiving Day parade and Kimble graciously helped out the desperate parade organizer -- an attractive widow to whose cynical daughter he teaches a lesson or two in the value of faith and imagination.) Gerard and Kimble have a priceless exchange when, at his nephew's urging, a self-conscious Gerard tells Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas: GERARD (to Kimble): Well, I... I suppose I *could* use a new necktie-- NEPHEW (to Gerard): Aw, come on, Uncle Phil! Tell 'im what ya really want! GERARD (embarrassed, to Kimble): No, really. A new necktie would be... quite nice actually. NEPHEW (to Kimble): My Uncle Phil's a cop! He wants to catch a bad guy! Kimble gives Gerard a dirty look. KIMBLE (bitterly, to Gerard): Bad guy, huh? How do you know if he's been bad or good? Been making a list and checking it twice? Tried to find out if he's naughty or nice? GERARD (to Kimble): Well, ah... it doesn't really matter whether he's naughty or nice, Santa. The law says he's guilty. KIMBLE: But suppose it turns out he's been good, for goodness' sake? GERARD (shrugs): Morality is your business, Santa. Mine is to enforce the law. KIMBLE: Then I'm afraid you won't be getting what you want for Christmas. (sharply, to a waiting child) Next! Disgruntled, Gerard hauls his nephew away. Meanwhile, by an incredible coincidence, Fred Johnson is also shopping at Macy's. He beats up a woman in customer service when she refuses to sell him half a pair of mittens... In the Epilog, Gerard returns to Stafford, Indiana and receives a package with no return address. Inside: a new necktie. 42. Detour On A Road Going Nowhere - In a far-flung tropical locale, Kimble (alias Robert Hope) romances a sarong-clad Dorothy Lamour, provoking the jealousy of his rival: the grasping, manipulative, evil Bing Crosby, who calls the cops on him. After Bing sings a medley of George Eckstein tunes, he and Kimble make up -- and, in the exciting climax, Bing and Bob use the old patty-cake routine on Gerard. 43. The Iron Maiden - In a culturally-backward small town, Kimble introduces a lonely girl to the joys of music, particularly British heavy metal band Iron Maiden. Naturally, the townspeople attempt to lynch him... 44. Devil's Carnival - Minnesota devil worshipers, in need of virgins to sacrifice, use an unwitting Kimble as bait to lure young women to their doom. When he learns of their evil plan, he faces a moral dilemma: go to the police or find some way to prevent the slaughter of a roomful of virgins. Ingeniously, he solves the problem by -- ahem! -- helping the women to lose their virginity... 45. Ballad For A Ghost - In Seattle, Kimble bums around with suicidal mental ward escapee Kurt Cobain. He tells Cobain that things could be worse and uses his own situation as an example. This depresses the hell out of Cobain who goes home and blows his brains out. 46. Brass Ring - Despite Kimble's having warned him repeatedly over the years, Gerard's massively overweight boss Captain Carpenter refuses to change his dietary habits and finally chokes to death on a barbecued chicken wing, collapsing in the doorway of Gerard's office. Since he can't get past the captain's inert bulk, a trapped Gerard is unable to leave town to follow the latest juicy lead on Kimble. Ah, the irony! 47. The End Is But The Beginning - Kimble works at a Zen commune and picks up a lot of pithy sayings for his friend the Omniscient Narrator. 48. Nicest Fella You'd Ever Want To Meet - Kimble must flee Mr. Rogers' neighborhood (via a convenient red trolley car) when Picture-Picture abruptly flashes his wanted poster. 49. Fun and Games and Party Favors - Kimble gets a job recruiting girl assistants for magicians Penn and Teller. Teller recognizes Kimble as a fugitive but, of course, doesn't say anything... 50. Scapegoat - While hiding in a sincere pumpkin patch in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area, Kimble is mistaken for the Great Pumpkin by a troubled young man who carries a security blanket. Kimble not only convinces him to get a life and go trick-or-treating with the other kids but to give up the blanket and go out on a date with a girl who refers to him as her Sweet Babboo. Meanwhile, the young man's crabby sister calls the cops on Kimble, but he escapes at the last minute thanks to a local World War I flying ace who spirits him away in a Sopwith Camel. 51. Corner of Hell - In Beverly Hills, CA, a terrified Gerard is held prisoner in the mansion of the Clampett family, sociopathic nouveaux riches hillbillies whose daughter Ellie Mae is sweet on Kimble. 52. Moon Child - Fleeing the police, Kimble stumbles into a huge sports arena where thousands of Unification Church members are about to get married to total strangers. Mistaken for a late-arriving Moonie, Kimble is quickly paired off with a hot young bride-to-be... Fortunately, some overzealous cult deprogrammers kidnap him and carry him off to safety. 53. The Survivors - Kimble's obnoxious mother-in-law starts a spousal abuse awareness organization that uses Kimble as its poster boy. He visits her and manages to convince her that men aren't as violent as she seems to think. But then his father-in-law shows up and pounds the snot out of him. 54. Everybody Gets Hit In The Mouth Sometime - Kimble gets a job answering the phone at a suicide hotline but faces a moral dilemma when a depressed Gerard calls repeatedly, threatening to kill himself because he can't capture Richard Kimble. 55. May God Have Mercy - God Himself appears to Kimble in a dream and tells him to forget it -- he's never going to be cleared. Also, stop playing with yourself. Guest star: Charlton Heston. 56. Masquerade - Kimble and Gerard attend a wild orgy but fail to recognize one another because everyone is wearing a mask. The last TV show directed by Stanley Kubrick. 57. Runner in the Dark - On a deserted stretch of road, hitchhiker Kimble literally stumbles upon a long-distance cross-country runner who, while carrying a torch to the Olympic Games in Atlanta, has keeled over from exhaustion. The dying man's request: see that the torch reaches the Games on time. How will our hero keep from exposing himself to the international media when he trots into the packed stadium and hands the torch to Muhammad Ali? I haven't the faintest idea... 58. A.P.B. - In a secluded house in the woods, Kimble is the much-abused cook for a family of three bears. After he whips up a batch of his gourmet porridge for them, the bears reject it and decide to go out for pizza. Left alone, Kimble is accosted by a mysterious blonde femme fatale who's been casing the joint. He stands by helplessly, unable to call the police, as she eats all the porridge, sits in all the chairs, and tries to lure him into all the beds. When the bears return unexpectedly, all hell breaks loose... 59. The Old Man Picked A Lemon - Kimble (alias Mike Johnson) gets a temp job at a research lab where he is, as the Omniscient Narrator explains solemnly, "just another face in a red jumpsuit." He does a good job cleaning up the place. But his bosses do not like him, so they shoot him into space. They send him cheesy movies -- the worst they can find ("The Green Berets", "Dondi", "My Six Loves", etc.). He has to sit and watch them all 'cuz-- Oh, forget it. (I won't even mention the moral example he sets for the robots he's built to assuage his loneliness...) 60. Last Second Of A Big Dream - Kimble (alias William Daniels) befriends an autistic boy and helps his working class parents come to terms with their son's unusual condition by revealing the boy's secret talent: it turns out that the kid wrote every single episode of the TV series St. Elsewhere. Third season episodes: 61. Wings of An Angel - Kimble's romance with a mysterious woman named Monica goes horribly wrong when it turns out that she's secretly a soft-hearted novice angel dispatched to Earth to help people facing crossroads in their lives while she serves under the watchful eye of her heavenly supervisor, Della Reese. Although Kimble is happy to hear that God still loves him, he gets a little nervous when "Andrew the Angel of Death" shows up and mentions that the electric chair is "really not such a bad way to go." 62. Middle of A Heat Wave - Kimble becomes a hero to a small community of uneducated migrant farm workers when he is able to explain to them the difference between a Heat Advisory and an Excessive Heat Warning. 63. Crack In A Crystal Ball - When Kimble gets a custodial job at The Psychic Friends Network, a gorgeous fortune teller predicts that he'll ultimately be exonerated because his war-hero neighbor will turn out to have been inside the house on the night of the murder and was too chicken to keep the One-Armed Man from killing Mrs. Kimble or to testify on Kimble's behalf. Kimble thinks she's full of beans: "Oh, come on!" he sighs in disbelief, "It'll never end like that! What a bungling anti-climax *that* would be..." 64. Trial By Fire - Several witnesses come forward on Kimble's behalf. They claim to have seen the One-Armed Man on the night of the murder. Unfortunately, Timothy Leary, Marion Barry, and a van full of Deadheads are somehow unable to convince Gerard of what they saw. 65. Conspiracy of Silence - Kimble, lost in the desert, accidentally stumbles into Area 51. He rescues some aliens from the Air Force and they are so impressed with him that they decide not to blow up the planet after all. So Kimble has now saved the lives of every man, woman, and child on the face of the Earth... (But, predictably, just before the aliens can help clear Kimble's name, they all catch a cold and die.) 66. Three Cheers For Little Boy Blue - Jobless, broke, homeless and starving: a fast-graying Kimble can't even afford a fresh bottle of black hair dye and reluctantly allows a troubled punk rocker to experiment on his follicles. Unfortunately, Kimble quickly draws the attention of the police with the resultant spiky neon blue hair... 67. All The Scared Rabbits - After failing to make a left turn at Albuquerque, Kimble (alias Chuck Jones) and his traveling companions, a rascally rabbit and a daffy duck, find themselves in the woods on the first day of hunting season -- and the duck is willing to sacrifice both the rabbit and Kimble to a befuddled, bald-headed hunter with a speech impediment. Guest star: Mel Blanc, Jr. 68. An Apple A Day - In hot pursuit of the Fugitive, Gerard and a posse of lawmen discover Kimble's abandoned car at the edge of the woods. Did Kimble flee into the woods? Or is he hiding in a nearby chili joint? Gerard doubts Kimble would linger at the chili joint because of Kimble's long-held aversion to spicy foods ("I know Kimble," says the lieutenant grimly). But a search of Kimble's car turns up the remains of an individually-wrapped Pepcid AC chewable... 69. Landscape With Running Figures-part 1 - A twist of fate puts Kimble on the same bus with Lt. Gerard's boyfriend! The boyfriend helps Kimble to escape because he rather enjoys having Gerard away for long periods of time, chasing Kimble all over the country -- it gives him a chance to sleep around. Kimble faces a moral dilemma: should he warn Gerard that his lover is practicing unsafe sex with multiple partners or just leave well enough alone? 70. Landscape With Running Figures-part 2 - Kimble and Gerard's boyfriend end up stranded in a deserted town during a storm. The boyfriend wants to do the nasty thing and when Kimble refuses... 71. Set Fire To A Straw Man - Just outside of Munchkin City, South Dakota, Kimble (working as a scarecrow repairman named Frank Baum) befriends a troubled young girl -- and her little dog, too -- as they desperately try to get back to Kansas. Along the way, they pick up a Scarecrow, a Tin Man and a Cowardly Lion. This motley group travels to Emerald City, Nebraska (where they hope to acquire their greatest desires: a brain, a heart, the nerve, and a mysterious one-armed man who was seen leaving the scene of a crime). Unfortunately, Lt. Gerard -- attending a Gay Pride parade in a neighboring state and dressed in drag as a Wicked Witch -- is on their trail. Kimble escapes at the last minute thanks to Glinda the Good Cop Who Believes in Him and a convenient hot air balloon -- but not before he convinces the troubled young girl that she always had it in her to return home by herself. As Kimble flies off into the sunset, the Omniscient Narrator solemnly intones: "Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why, then, oh, why can't Richard Kimble? Because, for Richard Kimble, his rainbow lies over a mockingly distant horizon. And his is not the flight of a bluebird. It is the flight... of a fugitive." 72. The Stranger in the Mirror - William Shatner plays Kimble's deranged dentist who wants to know why Kimble hasn't come in for a check-up in three years. He kidnaps Kimble and X-rays his teeth. Lab technicians recognize Kimble from dental records and call Gerard. Kimble's last-second escape involves a canister of nitrous oxide and a cute dental assistant who thinks he has a nice smile. (In the Epilog, it's revealed that Kimble has been flossing regularly since the escape and has no cavities.) 73. The Good Guys and The Bad Guys - While working at a Popeye's in the inner city, Kimble is nearly picked up by a couple of young police officers who are very excited because they've never arrested a Caucasian before. But Kimble is saved at the last minute when they decide to arrest their usual quota of innocent non-whites instead. 74. The End of The Line - Kimble accidentally hitches a ride to the state penitentiary where he is mistaken for the new warden. When the real warden shows up, Kimble, thinking quickly, identifies him as that famous escaped killer, Richard Kimble! The warden is immediately locked up while Kimble is treated like royalty by the prison staff. The warden gets a taste of how awful prison life really is when he is forced to eat lunch in the prison mess hall and, later, involuntarily becomes an inmate's main bitch. Thus having learned a valuable lesson, he later helps Kimble escape. 75. When the Wind Blows - Kimble must flee a Bob Dylan concert when the artist spots him in the third row and dedicates a performance of "Outlaw Blues" to him. 76. Not With A Whimper - Kimble, driving a Ryder truck full of fertilizer through Oklahoma City early one morning, is forced to use his medical skills when a huge bomb goes off in a nearby government building. Although he slips away before anyone can question him, the FBI wants to know who this mysterious John Doe is and puts out an extremely poor artist's rendering of him. Meanwhile, Kimble unwittingly hitches a ride with a clean-cut young man named Tim, who turns out to be one of the bombers... 77. Wife Killer - The police arrest the One-Armed Man for beating up a barber shop employee when she tries to charge him for a full manicure. 78. This'll Kill You - When hitch-hiking in Connecticut, Kimble (alias Paul Shaffer) is picked up by a famous comedian/talk show host. Unfortunately, the comedian is a notorious speed limit violator. After a few anxious moments during an encounter with a highway patrolman who tickets him for speeding, the comedian offers Kimble some part-time work as his chauffeur. Kimble accepts -- and spends the afternoon driving the comedian around New York City meeting all sorts of unusual people -- unaware that his every move is being videotaped by a hidden camera crew for playback that evening on national television... 79. Echo of A Nightmare - After handcuffing herself to Kimble, a female police officer is finally able to live out her wildest bondage fantasies. 80. Stroke of Genius - Kimble (alias Steve Hawking) gets a job caring for a brilliant but depressed mathematician who has been almost completely paralyzed by a stroke. Naturally, Kimble tries to convince the mathematician (with help from his nubile research assistant) that life is worth living; that the disabled can play a valuable role in the functioning of everyday society; and that the world needs his important contributions to our understanding of the rhombo-cubic octahedron. The mathematician is so overwhelmed by all this that he has another stroke, killing him instantly. 81. Shadow of The Swan - Kimble is stalked by a groupie who has had a crush on him ever since CourtTV's round-the-clock coverage of his murder trial. Somehow, he is able to set her straight and she goes on to a more productive life, stalking Brad Pitt. 82. Running Scared - When Kimble's sister Donna needs a bone marrow transplant and the only possible donor turns out to be Kimble, our hero (using the name Bob Knight) risks returning to Indiana on a Greyhound bus. Unfortunately, also on the bus is that well-known Hoosier Dan Quayle who is on the campaign trail, running for president. When the candidate recognizes Kimble, the grasping, manipulative, evil Mrs. Quayle wants her husband to expose Kimble in order to boost his political career. But Quayle -- a decent soul who still remembers the days when he was an innocent victim of blind journalism, falsely accused of being a total chowderhead -- has some sympathy for the Fugitive and instead writes him a note, warning him to get out of town. Alas, Kimble never receives the note, as it is addressed to someone named "Kimbl"... 83. The Chinese Sunset - Security is so lax at a nuclear lab in Los Alamos, New Mexico that escaped convict Richard Kimble (alias Ed Teller) is hired as a night watchman. A Chinese spy ring and America's most vital nuclear secrets figure prominently in this week's moral dilemma. 84. Ill Wind - A hurricane traps Lt. Gerard and Kimble in the rickety independent bookstore where Kimble works. Unfortunately for Gerard, everyone in the store is a left-wing intellectual (death penalty opponents, Mumia Abu-Jamal supporters, etc.). When a shelf of Noam Chomsky's complete works crashes down on Gerard and injures him, Kimble insists on taking him to the Barnes & Noble across the street for treatment, much to the horror of the lefties. Can Kimble save Gerard's life and still escape? Yes, he can -- with the help of a beautiful militant feminist and her hip-hop-happy boyfriend (who, in a 'running' commentary on the unfolding drama, sings "Da Runnin' Man Rap"). 85. With Strings Attached - Kimble eludes the police by posing as a life-sized marionette in the home of a nearsighted puppeteer who has always wanted "a real boy" of his own. 86. The White Knight - While chasing the One-Armed Man, Kimble accidentally falls down a very deep rabbit hole. He ingests some hallucinogens, meets a talking caterpillar, and then things *really* get weird... 87. The 2130 - Kimble, working as Bill Gates' chauffeur, discovers evidence of Microsoft's conspiracy to monopolize the computer industry and anonymously reports it to the Justice Department before leaving town. Gates vows revenge and uses a new supercomputer, the 2130, to plot Kimble's whereabouts. Fortunately, Kimble easily escapes because the new computer sucks just as bad as the rest of Microsoft's crappy products. 88. A Taste of Tomorrow - Kimble (alias Stan Lee) meets fellow fugitive David Banner who, having doused himself with gamma radiation, occasionally morphs into a muscular green monster when under emotional duress. Dr. Kimble warns him about practicing responsible scientific research and then prescribes a lot of tranquilizers. 89. In A Plain Paper Wrapper - Fed up with his constantly changing address, the people in the subscription department of Kimble's favorite porno rag finally decide to call the cops on him. 90. Coralee - Kimble meets a woman who is unhappy because her parents named her after coral -- the hard, stony skeleton secreted by certain marine polyps and often deposited in extensive masses in tropical seas, forming reefs and atolls. Our hero ends decades of misery by suggesting she just change her name to something a little less weird. Fourth season episodes (filmed in 3-D): 91. The Last Oasis - In the Southern California desert, pizza delivery boy Kimble brings a Large Anchovy and a six-pack of Pepsi to some scientists who are about to seal themselves up in an experimental plastic Bio-Dome that won't be opened for two years -- but a freak mishap accidentally traps him inside with them. Before long, Gerard and an army of lawmen are pacing around outside, taunting Kimble through the transparent walls by waving slices of pizza at him. Fortunately, an earthquake rips the building apart and, in the confusion, Kimble escapes with the help of a beautiful microbiologist who wants to get into his genes. 92. Death Is The Door Prize - From a distance, Kimble thinks he's spotted Fred Johnson but, on closer inspection, it turns out to be the drummer for a Def Leppard tribute band. 93. A Clean and Quiet Town - Mobsters equip the One-Armed Man with a prosthetic device that shoots flames, bullets, and poison gas from its fingertips. 94. The Sharp Edge of Chivalry - In Boston, a romantic triangle springs up between bartender Kimble, a kooky waitress named Diane, and the bar's owner, a former professional ballplayer named Sam. But even as Kimble cures Sam of his womanizing ways, he's recognized from a wanted poster by Cliff, a regular patron who works at the post office... 95. Ten Thousand Pieces of Silver - When two men in dark suits approach his latest residence carrying what looks like his wanted poster, Kimble flees out the rear door -- little realizing that Ed McMahon and Dick Clark are merely delivering his check from the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. 96. Joshua's Kingdom - Kimble (alias Tom Parker) gets a job as a bodyguard with an aging southern Christian fundamentalist named John Burrows who drives a Winnebago all over the country, handing out Cadillacs to unsuspecting bystanders. Kimble guesses Burrows' terrible secret: he is a former hip-swiveling pop star (and prescription drug addict) who faked his own death twenty years ago in order to escape his crooked manager. He and Kimble are discussing their favorite brands of black hair dye over fried-banana-and-peanut-butter sandwiches when Burrows' former manager -- a three hundred pound carny barker known only as "the Colonel" -- shows up and insists on staging a Vegas comeback for his star. 97. Second Sight - Robbed of his sense of smell by an explosion, Kimble draws the attention of some suspicious cops with his pungent body odor. 98. Wine Is A Traitor - Out in wine country, Kimble gets a job stomping grapes for a couple of rubes named Frank Bartles and Ed Jaymes. Ed recognizes Kimble as a fugitive but, of course, doesn't say anything... Kimble thanks him for his support. 99. Approach With Care - Kimble gets a menial job helping a mentally retarded man named Charly sweep up at a bakery. After Charly undergoes experimental brain surgery that dramatically increases his intelligence, he becomes an entirely rational animal, realizes Kimble is a fugitive, and calls the cops on him. Fortunately, the effects of the surgery are only temporary: Charly quickly comes to his senses, realizes *intuitively* that Kimble is innocent, and then helps him escape. 100. Nobody Loses All The Time - Kimble plays tit-for-tat with the One-Armed Man's girlfriend: the mysterious One-Breasted Woman. 101. Right in The Middle of The Season - Kimble's romance with a foxy labor activist is threatened when her militant union finds out that he's their worst nightmare: a non-union laborer who's really a bourgeois doctor from the suburbs. 102. The Devil's Disciples - In Kansas, evangelical Christians sic the sheriff on Kimble when he starts feeding the local kids a lot of hooey about that evolution stuff. 103. The Blessings of Liberty - In a culturally-backward small town, Kimble introduces a lonely girl to the joys of Lambada, the Forbidden Dance. Naturally, the townspeople attempt to lynch him... 104. The Evil Men Do - In fictitious Gotham City, Kimble (alias Tim Burton) is a groundskeeper in the employ of millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne. Seems that Wayne still can't cope with a psychologically scarring childhood incident in which his parents were shot down in cold blood right in front of him by a petty crook. Wayne, using his wealth, has become a masked vigilante, lawlessly terrorizing criminals in egregious violation of their constitutional rights. Suspecting that notorious fugitive Richard Kimble might be in town, Wayne plans to capture him. But Kimble discovers his employer's secret hideout in a cave beneath stately Wayne manor and tips off Wayne's Aunt Harriet. They have a tear-filled confrontation and Wayne finally comes to terms with his past and renounces vigilantism. Meanwhile, Kimble avoids capture by the city's stereotypically Irish police chief with the help of his latest girlfriend: a gorgeous librarian who just happens to be the police commissioner's daughter. 105. Run The Man Down - Gangsta rappers kidnap "Doc" Kimble and force him to operate a clinic to treat all the brothers in the 'hood with gunshot wounds. Naturally, Kimble wins the gang's respect and they deem him "pretty fly for a white guy"... Of course, when Gerard shows up, Kimble must intervene to save his life because the gang members "dis" the lieutenant for being "The Man." 106. The Other Side of The Coin - As an experiment, two eccentric old millionaires (Don Ameche & Ralph Bellamy) decide to randomly pick a wayward vagrant off the street and give him a huge sum of money, just to see what he'll do. Much to their surprise, the vagrant they pick blows all the cash on a year's supply of black hair dye and Greyhound bus passes... 107. The One That Got Away - In this gruesome episode, Fred Johnson flashes back to the night he lost his arm. 108. Concrete Evidence - Kimble pulls off another miraculous escape despite being firmly encased in neck-deep, quick-drying cement. 109. The Breaking of The Habit - Kimble goes through nicotine withdrawal when he's forced to hide in a Catholic mission that specializes in helping sinners quit smoking by having nuns slap their wrists with a ruler every time they reach for a pack of smokes. 110. There Goes The Ballgame - At the ballpark, Kimble catches a record-breaking home run ball on national television. The police surround him in the parking lot but he escapes when the cops are crushed to death in a stampede of greedy baseball fans who carry Kimble off and steal his ball. 111. The Ivy Maze - At a university computer center, Kimble dopes up the One-Armed Man with sodium pentathol, records his confession using state-of-the-art MP3 technology, and posts it on his website: www.freekimble.com. But the One-Armed Man escapes, hacks into Kimble's server, and replaces the file with an album by a punk band named Sulfuric Acid just moments before Gerard logs on. 112. Goodbye My Love - In Boulder, CO, handyman Kimble befriends an unhappy little girl whose parents force her to enter dozens of dehumanizing beauty pageants. The parents, having discovered Kimble's identity, plan to murder poor little JonBenet and pin the crime on the Fugitive. Of course, their plan backfires -- but, hey, it'll be years before the grand jury indicts them... 113. Passage to Helena - The umpteenth episode set in Los Angeles. When British actress Helena Bonham Carter is offered yet another stuffy Victorian film role requiring her to wear a corset, she goes berserk. Escaping her handlers, she hops in a taxi driven by an unwitting Kimble and disappears. Soon the whole town is looking for them. Despite this, Kimble hangs around long enough to convince Helena how much better off she is appearing in these tedious Merchant-Ivory productions instead of the usual Hollywood crapola. 114. The Savage Street - In this gritty urban drama, Kimble (alias Jim Henson) works as a clerk in Mr. Hooper's candy store and occasionally teaches the neighborhood kids how to count to ten. Kimble's troubles start when Mr. Hooper mysteriously drops dead... 115. Death Of A Very Small Killer - In Tiny Town, Wyoming -- a city populated entirely by little people -- Kimble gets a menial job at the public library retrieving books from off the top shelves. Guest star Verne ("Mini-Me") Troyer plays a bad guy who thinks the town isn't big enough for the both of them. With Billy Barty as The Sheriff. In the Epilog, Kimble rides off into the sunset on a pair of Shetland ponies. 116. Dossier on A Diplomat - While attending a Free Mumia rally in Washington, D.C., Kimble meets Nelson Mandela who offers him diplomatic protection at the South African embassy. Unfortunately, the grasping, manipulative, evil Mrs. Winnie Mandela plots to evict the Hunted Honky. 117. Walls of Night - Kimble works at Kinder Incontinent Supplies, Inc. where he fits 10 to 16 month old children with blanket sleeper-type PJs to keep the kids from digging into their diapers, pulling out their poop, and painting the walls with it. When Gerard shows up, Kimble is forced to flee with his latest customer who, unbeknownst to our hero, leaves a mile-long trail of excrement in its wake. 118. The Shattered Silence - Kimble becomes the virtual prisoner of an eccentric hermit who lives in a mountain cabin and who, in exchange for not sending homemade explosives to prominent citizens, writes a 35,000 word manifesto for the New York Times. 119. The Judgment-part 1 - DNA and other forensic evidence (temporarily misplaced at the FBI Crime Lab) prove that a drunken Mrs. Kimble merely fell and hit her head on the lamp, apparently because of an anxiety attack she suffered when she saw a fat man with only a stump for an arm jogging through her yard in the middle of the night. An outraged Kimble sues the state of Indiana and settles for millions -- but the IRS contacts him soon after, wanting to know why he hasn't filed a return in four years... 120. The Judgment-part 2 - After spending four years and hundreds of thousands of frequent flyer miles in pursuit of the wrong man, the state of Indiana puts Gerard on "indefinite leave". Finally, he quits and takes the only job he can get: security guard at the Stafford Piggly Wiggly -- which he loses after he highhandedly terrorizes a number of innocent African-American customers for shoplifting. Broke and unemployable, Gerard teams up with Kimble, who's now on the run for tax evasion, and they spend the rest of their lives shacking up in substandard housing and homeless shelters, scratching out meager livings in menial part-time jobs, and ultimately dying early deaths because of poor nutrition and lack of adequate health care like so many other poverty-stricken Americans in the wealthiest, most productive country in the world... Meanwhile, Fred Johnson, the One-Armed Man, hosts a long-running, award-winning talk show on cable's The Amputee Channel, marries Kimble's sister Donna, stars in the popular TV drama "The One-Armed Man" (a QM Production about an innocent one-armed man pursued by a fanatic doctor who thinks he killed his wife), becomes a respected spokesperson and social activist for the disabled community, retires a millionaire, and dies happily in his sleep at the age of 101 knowing that future generations will thrill to the sight of his cryogenically preserved arm on display at the Museum of Television and Radio.